Comfort Me With Yarn

Knitters turn to yarn for myriad things: inspiration, creative outlet, to satisfy a need to buy something new, to celebrate, and to be comforted.  We flock to yarn shops to feel sheltered from the harsh realities of life and to gain inspiration.  To hold something small and beautiful in one’s hands is to experience a bit of peace while the world whooshes by around you.  The soft fibers, interesting colors, and sometimes even the fragrance of a beautiful yarn can transport you to a place of peace, if even just for a moment.

This is the story of one such skein of yarn.  This single strand of string has symbolized many things to me over the past 2 years: celebration, inspiration, consolation, comfort, renewal, and new beginnings.  Our affair began on a sunny Monday afternoon in February 2008, the day I found out I was pregnant.

I had been trying to get pregnant for 2 ½ years at that point.  Our quest to become parents began simply and innocently as it does for most people.  My partner and I knew that we were ready to become parents, and so we started looking into prenatal vitamins, doctors, pregnancy books, and midwives.  I knew with all of my heart that I was meant to be a mother.  I was young, healthy, and we had the space in our lives for children.  It seemed as if things would go as we had planned, and within the year we would be taking turns getting up in the middle of the night to feed and change diapers.

Fast forward a year.  I was still not pregnant, with no indications as to why.  The fact that our perfectly crafted plan wasn’t working out was beginning to take its toll on me.  As was the fact that several close friends had given birth to beautiful babies with apparently no struggles to get pregnant.

Life intervened and we moved to a new state and it felt like a fresh start was just the thing: new location, new doctor, new outlook.  It was around this time that I started knitting with earnest.  I had learned earlier, but it didn’t move me, didn’t really stick.  Starting over meant that I needed to meet people, get out of the house, and learn about the area.  Something compelled me to seek out a knitting group, and I quickly found myself at a local Stitch ‘n Bitch meetup.

For months I fumbled around with yarn and needles, learning through my mistakes and eventually getting better at the skill of knitting.  At the same time, we began seeing a fertility specialist and upped our efforts at getting me pregnant.  In some ways it was comforting when my doctor reassured me that I was healthy and should have no problem getting pregnant using Artificial Insemination (AI).  On the other hand, I felt sad that it hadn’t happened easily, that my body wasn’t doing what I thought should come naturally.

As I accepted more and more medical interventions into my life, I began to depend more on my knitting for support.  Holding yarn and needles in my hands, creating something tangible and beautiful, allowed me to feel as if I had some semblance of control over my life.  I may not be able to make a baby on my own, but I could knit a gorgeous pair of socks or a stunning baby blanket for friends having babies.  I knit in the waiting rooms of doctor’s offices while I waited for tests, exams, procedures, and results.  I knit during the simultaneously dreadful and hopeful two week wait, a time where I once again allowed myself to believe that I was pregnant.  I knit through the sadness and disappointment that followed every month when the pregnancy test came back negative.

Knitting helped me come to terms with the reality of my situation: after a year of AIs, IUIs, diagnostic tests, and fertility drugs, I was diagnosed with unexplained infertility.  Helpful.  My doctor suggested we consider In-Vitro Fertilization, or IVF, as a means to becoming parents.  At the beginning of our journey, this was so off my radar.  It was something desperate people did, people who had nothing left to lose and were clinging to the last threads of hope of having biological children.  Was that me?  I didn’t think so, and so we put off making any decisions about it until a few more rounds of treatment failed.  After much soul-searching, knitting, and conversations with our doctor, we decided to give it a try.  We were reassured that at my young age and with the considerable health of my reproductive system that I would definitely become pregnant.

For 2 weeks I endured daily injections of hormones, had blood tests and ultrasounds every other day, and finally, when things looked ready, egg retrieval.  A few days later, two fertilized embryos were placed back inside my uterus, and I was hopeful.  I knit a seed stitch scarf in stunning Noro yarn during the two week wait, imbuing each stitch with hope, promises to my unborn children, and love.  Lots of love.

I was at knitting group the day my blood test results came in. Sweetie called me on the phone and told me the good news: “You’re pregnant!”  I could hardly believe that those powerful words were directed at me, that after years of trying, I finally had the tentative first weeks of life inside my body.  My tired, battered, body had responded to drugs and positive thinking and had come through for me!

As was customary, some of the ladies from my group went to the neighboring yarn shop after our meeting.  I followed along, in a daze of disbelief.  So many thoughts were racing through my mind: when will I be due?  Is it twins or a singleton?  So this is what being pregnant feels like!  I could hardly focus on any yarn, and yet my hand kept reaching out, feeling skein after skein of yarn.  At once, a beautiful skein of sock yarn jumped out at me: Colinette Jitterbug in the colorway Marble.  It is mainly a cream color, punctuated by delicate shades of green and lavender.  The color combination reminded me of an orchid; I had to have it!  Celebratory yarn purchases are some of the best!

About a week later, I started to have spotting.  My doctor assured me it was nothing to worry about.  When the bleeding increased the next day, we all started getting more concerned.  I tried to knit to distract myself from worrying, but after a short time it was only frustrating me more.  How could my body be doing this to me now?  I spent the next couple of days begging God, the universe, and my babies to hang on, to give me a chance to be a mother.

My first ultrasound, a moment I had been looking forward to and dreading at the same time, revealed an empty uterus.  They were both gone.  Devastated and raw, we returned home and began the long process of grieving and rebuilding.  Words could not describe what I was going through to anyone, and though I desperately needed help and care, I didn’t know what to ask for.  Eventually, I turned to my knitting.  There was that lovely skein of sock yarn sitting in my stash, the pretty orchid colorway, my celebration yarn.  For some reason, this was the only yarn I was able to get excited about knitting.

Instead of socks, I chose to knit something that I could wrap around myself, something that would remind me to have hope and faith that life would be bright again someday.  I found a pattern for a lovely drop stitch scarf that seemed doable with just one skein of yarn and set to work.  I knit all my hope and love, sadness, anger, and grief, into that scarf.  It flew off the needles, and when it was done something within me, something small and tender, was healed.  There was still a long road of healing ahead of me, but for that moment, I knew I would be alright.

The next several months were a time of healing, restructuring my expectations, and focusing on knitting.  I rediscovered a love of writing, and tried my hand at designing knitting patterns. After taking time to heal and rebuild, we felt ready to try again.

And this time, it worked!

When I found out I was pregnant for the second time, I took that drop stitch scarf, made out of my celebration yarn turned comfort yarn, and undid the cast off.  I wound it into a skein straight off the scarf, spinning new hope into it with each revolution.

That “new” skein sat in my stash for all the months of this pregnancy as I waited and hoped for a better outcome.  Finally, when the time came to have Peaceful Baby, I pulled out the yarn and brought it with me to the hospital.  As I worked through the first few hours of labor, I knit my special yarn.  This time, it wanted to be socks; special celebration socks.

Last week I finished these socks, just as the second anniversay of the miscarriage passed.  It feels as if I have come full circle now.  I am done with this yarn, and done dwelling on past hurt and disappointment.  As my new life as a mother begins, I am trying to focus on the future.  This includes new yarn and knitting projects as well as new adventures with my little family.

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20 thoughts on “Comfort Me With Yarn

  1. I feel like I need to leave a comment, but I can’t seem to find the words.
    Your story is very moving and I can’t begin to tell you how happy I am that your wish to become a mother was granted.
    I didn’t have to go through what you went through to become a mother, but I do know that my little girl is the best thing in my life. She brings me so much joy and happiness I feel I could burst with pride. I look at the world through her eyes and it’s beautiful.

  2. As someone who has been there (and is currently trying again), I completely understand what you’ve gone through. I only wish that I was knitting way back when it happened to me. But I’m glad that I have all of you at SnB for support and encouragement. 🙂

    But my “aha” moment, ironically enough, came when my sister had Princess Paige. I looked at her cute little face that first time up at the hospital right after she was born. I knew right then and there that I was going to get through the grief and would be OK.

    I wish you and your little family many wonderful blessings. 😀

  3. This was beautiful and painful to read – I knew it would all have a happy ending. I remember coming across you on Rav earlier in the journey.

    I can relate so much. I have been knitting like a woman possessed throughout my own infertility journey – there are projects and skeins that mark the highs and lows – so many lows, so few highs. I no longer am trying for a baby and hold onto the memory of my brief pregnancies as little pockets of happiness. And I knit. Your story stings for me a little because you got lucky and I didn’t – but I think it’s wonderful the way we knitters can have skeins and projects that tell our stories, the happy and sad parts.

    Your little girl is a wonderful outcome of your journey to parenthood!

  4. I just wanted to say that I love you so much and thank you for sharing. Peacefulbaby is very precious and i can’t wait to meet her! I know that you have been through a lot and you are such a strong woman!

  5. What a wonderfully uplifting blog. Thanks for sharing that with us, I am sure it was not the easiest to write.

  6. Peaceful baby is one lucky baby. Those socks will always be so special, because they contain all the love, pain, memories, hope and celebration of this momentous time in your life. Wear them with love.

  7. Traveled this path for many years; ended 22 years ago with birth of our son. You spoke quite eloquently about the journey. The raw pain goes away but you will forever be shaped by this.

  8. Your story is very moving – thank you for sharing it with us. I’m so happy for you that your beautiful baby arrived safe and sound, and I wish your little family lots of love and happiness together!

  9. I think this is the most beautiful post I have ever read. I am only just getting to read all the blogs that joined Blogtoberfest last year, and here I am today visiting yours. Thank you.

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